our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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