Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
there is puke in my bra ... again
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
