so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
