i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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