my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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