he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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