my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize