mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
