my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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