i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
