3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
