The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
