There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
