I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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