NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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