i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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