I wish I could teleport
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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