Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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