How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
