I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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