on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
