I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
it hurts more in the daytime
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
