I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
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Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
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