I faked an abortion last night.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
