Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
