Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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