i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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