I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
