just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
only you would photoshop your dick
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
