I think i sorta joined a cult last night
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I want her autograph on my taint
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
