I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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