2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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