i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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