you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
