Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Two words: nipple clamps
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