I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
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What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
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I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.