I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
