Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
