What a fucking waste of an outfit
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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