when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
