There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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