I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
