I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
