he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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