she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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