I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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