Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize