The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
