You're completely useless in the revolution.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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