Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
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On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
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Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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