It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
