I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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