Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I think a kid would responsible me up
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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