so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
