Kiss
Puke
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
