sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
