Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
